pseudo-gemeinschaft

today was the last meeting for crusade before the ministry breaks for the exams. i left the place with a strange sense of emptiness.

at the end of each and every semester i entertain thoughts of giving up my crusade ministry. i always complain to God, "Father, i'm really really tired!" yet God says continue, and not to give up.

leading a discipleship group (dg) in crusade has been rewarding, but the exhaustion from having to attend THREE cells a week becomes very pronounced in the face of schoolwork, projects and egocentric professors pile the work as if you're only taking their module. the discipleship comm sent a feedback form and one of the questions in there was "why do you want to lead a group?" my initial reaction was you're kidding right?! that was the last thing i wanted to do!! -.-"

so i just told them "i was never interested in leading a group. i just felt God's calling so i stepped up."

i think i am probably their most unwilling dg leader, and yet, before i know it, one year of ministry has passed. i'll be taking on another year of leading a dg because God said to continue. i think i kind of understand how the prophet jeremiah felt about his ministry. kind of.

i was tired. i still am tired. i look back and realised that it was only by God's strength that i could juggle my crazy workload and commitments.

maybe i wrote this as a reminder for me to look to Jesus and not at my situation. if i want to walk on water, i should focus on Him and not look at the winds and waves.


--

* C: previously close friend, now backsliden
** J: a close friend, non-christian
*** M: a brother-in-Christ who's neither from crusade nor church

taming of the tongue

i always fail not let the instant gratifications of the flesh take over, i always forget that the remorse and conviction of having had, for that brief moment, sinned against God simply overrules everything else.

"We all stumble in many ways. If anyone is never at fault in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to keep his whole body in check."- James 3:2

"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth comes praise and cursing." - James 3:9

i am far from godly and am definitely undeserving of God's love. i have not lived a life that glorifies His name. i'm in the mood to snap at anyone who tells me that christians are holier-than-thou and on the moral high horses because i certainly do not feel this way. i am just that irritable these days. my prayer and quiet time is very badly affected and i don't even know why.

yet it is fact: He still loves me. ugly heart, sin-tainted appearance and all. He still calls me His beautiful child.

i want to cry it all out. i just want to make right with God again, to know that everything will be ok because my world seems to be falling apart. the tears just won't come.



in other thoughts, let's imagine if we were all called to be preachers or pastors. what would your preaching be like?

rachel and i were talking about the preaching styles of pastors and we note that they preach based on what God has done in their lives. new creation church emphasizes on grace because their pastor's life reflects so; city harvest's focus on giving makes them a blessed church because their members are blessed by giving. no? for my church, i think faith is one big characteristic of what pastor preaches because his life is built on his faith in God's promises.

so, the logic goes that we preach based on what God has done in our lives, what would be my message to the people around me? what would be your story to the people around you? what has God done in my life that i can shout about?

i know for sure God surely changed me a lot in the past two years, things that are worthy of praise. yet i found that i could not pick a single definitive thing to share on if i should be called to preach.

sigh...

without love

the irony of this week is the fact that the word released was to not let any unwholesome talk out of my mouth, yet i said plenty of wrong things in my riled up state.

i guess while it's a good thing to be passionate for my own faith, God showed me that Jesus did not need peter to cut off the soldier's ear at the garden, neither does He want me to be His defender. He will defend, He will avenge.

i have reversed the roles in my own foolish pride. at least it's not too late to watch what i say.

"and if i give all i possess to the poor and the helpless, i'll still be nothing without love"

alabaster jar

Alabaster Jar
Christ for the Nations Institute

This alabaster jar
is all I have of worth
I break it at Your feet, Lord
It's less than You deserve
You're far more beautiful
More precious than the oil
The sum of my desires
and the fullness of my joy!

[Pre-chorus]
Like You spilled Your blood,
I spill my heart
As an offering to my King

[Chorus]
Here I am, take me
As an offering
Here I am, giving every heartbeat
For Your glory take me

The time that I have left
is all I have of worth
I lay it at Your feet, Lord
It's less than You deserve
And though I've little strength
And though my days are few,
You gave Your life for me
So, I will live my life for You

Worthy, Worthy
You are worthy
Worthy is the Lord

song can be downloaded from my multiply site.

we call it faith.

i publish this post with much fear and trepidation.

there was a few things that the guest speaker for yesterday's service that i did not quite agree with, there were things he said that i could refute with verses from the bible. (they were minor points.)

maybe he's being too radical and his style is a deviance from what i'm used to. maybe i'm just irritated at him for making me delay my lunch by one hour. maybe i'm just nitpicking because i have an initial bias against him.


i have no idea what the truth is now.

i see people accepting what he says, hook, line and sinker; and i start thinking about blind faith. where do we draw the line when it comes to the Word of God?

realise that this problem would not exist if the supernatural realm is something understood by the human mind, something that science could explain and rationalise. it is fact that God is beyond science (even though science is starting to prove the existence of a God) and the bible tells us that His wisdom is beyond the wisest of men.

faith is blind to some extent. we believe in something that we have not yet seen and God likes it. "blessed are those who have not seen, and yet believed", no? yet i do think there is a delicate balance between faith and mindlessly lapping up the words
of a man recognised to be annointed by God.

after all, humans can make mistakes.



my education is starting to bear fruit. i am increasingly becoming a critical (to the extent of cynical) consumer of even my own faith.

dear me,

because i have to revise for a quiz tomorrow i shall just make a quick entry about a verse to remind myself of something i need to do.

"And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will." - 2 Timothy 2:24-26

i feel bad about doing the things that i shouldn't be doing, and neglecting the things i am supposed to be doing. i have said things that i should not have said, and the things i should have said remains in my heart.

some things need to change. i need a constant reminder for myself to watch my words and actions.

dear Lord, don't let me fall out of love with You.

kid no more

i filled up a survey form today. they asked me for my age.
i wrote a 2. paused. then i scratched a straight line down.

21.

"dear Lord, this is the day the law officially recognises me as an adult, and i dedicate this special day to You, my Creator. i celebrate this day because it reminds me of how i'm fearfully and wonderfully made in Your image. take me, break me and mould me into the woman You want me to be.

thank You for the wonderful people that You have put around me who share in my joy. thank You for coming into my life.

in the mighty Name of Jesus, i pray, AMEN."

i've been saying it since the start and i'll say it again. i'm very blessed. =D hahaha!!!

when He said that it is done.

joshua harris recounts a story told by rebecca pippert about a lady so consumed with guilt over aborting a child from pre-marital sex:

"I have done something even worse than killing my baby. My sin is what drove Jesus to the cross. It doesn't matter that I wasn't there pounding in the nails, I'm still responsible for His death [...] I came to you saying I had done the worst thing imaginable. And you tell me I have done something even worse than that."

while i may not have aborted a baby before, i have lost count of the number times have i crucified Christ with my sins, even after i became a christian.

i was just reading boy meets girl by joshua harris, a present from my oikos for my birthday, and the truth about amazing grace struck me all over again.

self-righteousness is tricky business. it weighs so heavily in my heart i simply have to comment on it, if not for others' sake, then mine.

in harris' book, he writes:

"Self-righteousness is also expressed by the person who refuses to accept God's forgiveness. "I just can't forgive myself," she says. 'Maybe God can, but I can't.' It might appear pious, but statements like these are really a form of reverse pride that says, 'My standards are higher than God's.'"

i forget how many times i have promptly returned to self-bashing after asking God for forgiveness for the sins in my life. there is always that condemning voice telling me that i have to do more to gain God's forgiveness, to be in the right standing again with God. i am not worthy of forgiveness and so i don't forgive myself even though the bible clearly says that i have been forgiven.

so what am i trying to do? prove that i'm holier than God?

well, here's a revelation: we're not holy. we will never be holy. nothing we do will ever make us of the same standing as God. Romans 3:23 tells us "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God"

that's what makes the Cross so amazing. we are given a way back to our Heavenly Father through the redemption at the Cross. no one comes to the Father except through Jesus.

it was a reminder for myself that exceeding pride in the knowledge of man, and the works that we have to do to earn our way to heaven, is dangerous - we take pride in what we know, what we did, turning away from what Jesus has already done for us.

did paul not write "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling" (phil 2:12)? he didn't tell us to work for, but to work out. God has already given us salvation through Jesus and there is nothing we can do to add to His works. Jesus put the full stop when He said "it is finished" at the Cross.

"Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow.

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." - Colossians 2:16-23

with that in mind, i thank God for the amazing grace that He has given me, an undeserving sinner.

---

a few comments from people regarding my recent post about my past as a really misguided catholic made me feel a little vexed at how people imply at other ways of reaching God.

generally, the implications i get are "attend a (religious) class!"; "give the ________ faith a chance!" and "you are misguided and your faith is simply irrational and i feel so sorry that you've chosen the wrong thing."

while i have nothing against knowing more, i have expressed before that i expect people to respect my beliefs - i am a christian who believes in the redeeming work that Jesus did on the cross, i am a sinner saved by grace. i don't think anyone appreciates random strangers telling you how to live in your faith.

if you have a problem with what i believe in, remember that choosing Jesus was my personal and conscious choice and i don't need anyone worrying on my behalf where my soul goes after i die.

i thought i closed the case with the post that followed that entry. apparently not. let me say this one last time: the point of this blog is just to air my personal thoughts. i am not always correct in what i think, i certainly hope i don't give the impression that i act smart. i definitely do not aim to forcefeed my religion/beliefs to anybody.

secondly, remember that when you speak in your capacity as an/a atheist/christian/muslim/buddhist/hindu, you are, like it or not, speaking as a representative of your own faith. after all, christians get their bible-thumping reputation because there are many people out there who give that impression when they speak in their capacity as a christian, no?

if i gave anyone the idea that i am holier-than-thou or a bible-thumper (thump thump), i ask that the readers point it out to me and i'll humbly apologise. otherwise, please move on unless you have a point that will add value to the discussion.

for the record, i do have plans to attend bible college. don't worry, i don't intend to wallow in the pit of ignorance for long.