pseudo-gemeinschaft

today was the last meeting for crusade before the ministry breaks for the exams. i left the place with a strange sense of emptiness.

at the end of each and every semester i entertain thoughts of giving up my crusade ministry. i always complain to God, "Father, i'm really really tired!" yet God says continue, and not to give up.

leading a discipleship group (dg) in crusade has been rewarding, but the exhaustion from having to attend THREE cells a week becomes very pronounced in the face of schoolwork, projects and egocentric professors pile the work as if you're only taking their module. the discipleship comm sent a feedback form and one of the questions in there was "why do you want to lead a group?" my initial reaction was you're kidding right?! that was the last thing i wanted to do!! -.-"

so i just told them "i was never interested in leading a group. i just felt God's calling so i stepped up."

i think i am probably their most unwilling dg leader, and yet, before i know it, one year of ministry has passed. i'll be taking on another year of leading a dg because God said to continue. i think i kind of understand how the prophet jeremiah felt about his ministry. kind of.

i was tired. i still am tired. i look back and realised that it was only by God's strength that i could juggle my crazy workload and commitments.

maybe i wrote this as a reminder for me to look to Jesus and not at my situation. if i want to walk on water, i should focus on Him and not look at the winds and waves.


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* C: previously close friend, now backsliden
** J: a close friend, non-christian
*** M: a brother-in-Christ who's neither from crusade nor church