my calling

today i made a total fool out of myself in lecture because i had an argument to make, but it came out horribly wrong. i rehearsed it several times in my head, perfecting everything, right down to the last word, to pitch my idea to my professor. yet when my prof indicated that i could speak, the thoughts somehow came out a jumbled mess. talk about incoherence. but then speaking was never really my strongest suit. i have always believed that one of my fortes is in writing, that i express myself best with words.

incoherence is my worst enemy and i'm seriously concerned now that it's creeping into my writing. chances are, i'm the only one who would understand what i write because my style assumes that everyone else knows what is going on in my (extremely messed up) head.

somehow, i fear i lost my aptitude for writing. maybe i'm just being a perfectionist, but i am never satisfied with the things i produce. i visit the blogs of some of my church mates and i somehow feel very ashamed of myself because the way these people write are evidently more superior.

i write best when i'm driven by passion. these days, however, i am too exhausted to feel passionate about anything. i just get by, praying that God will give me just enough strength to last through the day and bring me back to my bed at night.

let's just say i'm fed up. fed up of all these wonderful ideas swimming around in my head and my apparent inability to express them in a nice, coherent way. writing was my saving grace before, and there is no way i'm allowing anyone to steal this avenue of catharsis from me.

it's time i start bucking up, because i want to write for Him.